Exterminator
by BipolarPenguins
Summary: Our favorite brave and valiant hero does battle against an army of evil and wickedness only to be dragged home and have his cookies stolen. The poor boy. Subtle subtle implied Donuts. Oneshot


I'm sorry. I really am. My first xxxHolic fic. Hooray?  
I really couldn't think of a title, so...yeah. cries  
I don't really think it has a plot, but I don't think I really care.  
Happy Birthday Watanuki! ((PS: This story has nothing to do with either Birthdays or April Fools. BTW))  
Am I missing anything? Oh. Holic's, uhm, not mine?  
Oh yeah. **Warning**: Massive use of italics, lack of plot, and Yuuko giggles too much.

* * *

**Exterminator**

They had come before him as a crawling army of evil and wickedness. The pale light made their black armor gleam in a malevolent light and their soulless eyes upon our hero as they advanced. Gritting his teeth, our brave hero steeled himself for battle. Donning his shining white armor, he snatched up his weapon and dashed into battle. They came upon him on all sides, a black wave of malice, but he swung his weapon back and forth, to and fro. Under the mighty, awe-inspiring power of our courageous champion's weapon of choice, ORANGE CLEAN: The All Purpose Cleaner!, the enemy melted underneath its deadly spray. After beating back countless waves of the black armored scum, their numbers began to dwindle, and fewer and fewer trickled onto the battleground until there was but one left standing. But the constant fighting had taken its toll on our poor hero. Exhausted, our hero wavered on his feet, trying to rally his strength one last time to destroy the foe once and for all. But his strength fled, and he fell to his knees, ORANGE CLEAN slipping out of numbed fingers. The enemy, seeing its weakened opponent, stepped forward towards the plate of cookies that Watanuki had been so heroically guarding. Opening it's vicious pincers, it stepped forward and --

A hand descended into Watanuki's line of sight and onto the ant, effectively wiping it out of existence. "Oi! What are you doing?"

Watanuki snapped his head up and glared at his one-sided rival, suddenly full of energy. "What does it _look_ like I'm doing, you thick-sculled cretin?!"

Dômeki cast a bored glance around the kitchen, with its puddles of ORANGE CLEAN and piles of dead ants, and raised an eyebrow in an amused fashion. "It looks like you're making a mess."

Watanuki leapt up from the floor and hissed, resembling an angry cat. "I am _not_ making a mess! How _dare_ you say that! _I_, the all-powerful, awesome and great Watanuki-sama, _never_ make messes. I'm always cleaning up after _you_, you gelatinous glutton. You're always stuffing your fat face with food that _I_ slaved over! Where does it all _go_ anyway? I swear, you have a black hole for a stomach."

Dômeki plugged his ear with a finger and nonchalantly reached over Watanuki's shoulder to the plate of cookies Watanuki had so valiantly defended from the ant horde, and took a large bite out of it, crumbs falling down to the floor.

Watanuki screamed. "What are you _doing_, you emotionless bastard?! Those are _Yuuko's_ cookies! She's going to take them out of my pay and I'll be stuck as her slave for the rest of my life! And you'll attract more ants! I just spent an _hour_ killing those things! I nearly died trying to fight them off!"

Dômeki interrupted. "Died? Killing _ants_?"

Watanuki snarled. "Yes, _ants_! These ants are in _Yuuko's _kitchen, in _Yuuko's _shop! They're not natural! Nothing here is natural!"

Shrugging, Dômeki shoved the rest of the cookie in his mouth. With a strangled yell, Watanuki pounced on him and grabbed his neck, shaking him back and forth, "_Imbecile!_ Spit it out, spit it out!"

Yuuko giggled from her spot in the doorway. "Nyaa, Watanuki-kun! This is quite a mess you've made! Ah, cookies!"

Yuuko pranced over to the counter, easily avoiding the puddles of ORANGE CLEAN and the scattered ant corpses. Picking up the plate of cookies, she popped one into her mouth and sighed in bliss.

"Maaa, Watanuki-kun! You're so good at cooking! But they'd be even better with sake!"

Because he could, Mokona hopped up from out of nowhere and onto Yuuko's shoulder. "Sake! Sake!" he chanted, "Watanuki, bring out the sake!"

Watanuki seethed, "Sake! That's all you two ever think about!"

Yuuko giggled as Watanuki went on to rant at Mokona, who had hopped onto the counter and was inhaling a handful of cookies. She leaned towards Dômeki with a evil smirk. "I can take care of this mess. You should take Watanuki-kun home, Dômeki-kun. He looks so tired!"

Dômeki raised a single eyebrow at Yuuko and pointedly looked at a very animated Watanuki who was currently trying to squish Mokona with a spatula.

Yuuko giggled again. "Well, Watanuki-kun's a growing boy and needs his sleep. He was working so hard today!" She wiggled her eyebrows at Dômeki, "Maybe you should go to his apartment and _tire him out_ somehow. Some _physical exercise_ might do the trick."

Dômeki smirked. "Good point. We don't want Watanuki to be tired tomorrow. He's got a test at school after all."

Yuuko laughed. "That's the spirit Dômeki!" Motioning to Mokona, who evaded Watanuki's spatula and hopped onto her shoulder, Yuuko waltzed out of the kitchen, taking the plate of cookies with her. Calling back over her shoulder, she said to Watanuki, "Dômeki'll take you home, Watanuki! Don't worry about the mess, I can take care of it."

Watanuki muttered under his breath, "And take it out of my pay most likely." In a louder voice, he shouted after Yuuko's retreating back, "AND I DON'T NEED DÔMEKI TO WALK ME HOME! I'M NOT A CHILD!"

Watanuki huffed and glared at Dômeki. "I don't need a babysitter."

Dômeki shrugged and walked over to Watanuki. "Yuuko said."

In a single movement, Dômeki flung Watanuki over his shoulder and began walking out the door.

Watanuki flushed bright red and flailed his arms around. "L-let me _down_! I can walk on my own!"

"No."

"What do you mean, no?!"

"Exactly what I said. Yuuko said to take you home and make sure you went to bed."

Watanuki flailed around more emphatically. "Why?! I'm not even tired!"

Dômeki smirked so evilly, it rivaled even Yuuko's. It would've sent Watanuki into a screaming fit if he could see it.

"Oh, I think we can fix that."

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So, this was my pathetic attempt at a xxxHolic fic and "humor". Not too bad, I guess ((_hope_)).  
This actually happened to me last Saturday. Just minus the cookies, Dômeki, Yuuko, and Mokona. I hate ants.  
Oh, and yes, ORANGE CLEAN has to be in all caps. It works _really amazingly mindblowingly_ well when you want to kill massive amounts of ants.

Uhm, review? Please? Thanks?


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